After watching with bated breath (ok, maybe not so bated…but certainly with great interest) the first Obama-McCain debate, here’s my unofficial, unsolicited analysis of what happened:
Lehrer: What’s your take on what’s happening with our economy?
Obama: It’s the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. We’ve watched our country’s economy go into the shitter in the past eight years under an administration that John McCain voted in favor of over 90% of the time.
McCain: Yeah, the economy kind of sucks. But America is a great country, and I have every faith that we can pull out of this ’cause I have lots of foreign policy experience.
Lehrer: What do each of you anticipate doing differently with your financial policies, should you become president, in light of the huge, gargantuan, previously unimaginable bailout we’re about to put into place?
McCain: I’ll re-build our country’s economy by giving tax breaks to corporate America and to the richest people in this country. As long as the wealthy are still payin’ someone to clean their houses and shine their shoes, this economy will rebound. I know this because I have more foreign affairs experience than Senator Obama. He just doesn’t understand.
Obama: I’ll keep spending money. The only way to fix our economy is from the bottom up. As long as house cleaners and shoe shiners can pay for the health care they truly need after breathing in all those chemicals over the years…this economy will rebound.
Lehrer: What do each of you make of the situation in Iraq as it stands now?
Obama: The question isn’t “what should we do about Iraq now,” it should be, “should we have gone into Iraq at all? My answer is ‘no.’ We need to make a concrete plan to pull our trips out of Iraq, and send them to Afghanistan, where the real war is. I know this because I am logical, not based on much of any foreign affairs experiences or visits to Middle Eastern countries who didn’t want me there in the first place.
McCain: We need to stick it out in Iraq until the Iraqi citizens are tattooing “Allah Save America” on their honey buns. If I become Commander in Chief, we will not leave Iraq defeated. I know this because of my extensive foreign affairs experiences. Obama just doesn’t get it. Oh, wait–did I say that, already?
Obama’s rebuttal: What John doesn’t get is that the choice to go into Iraq and stay there, which John has supported President Bush in, suggests a level of decision making and judgment that is dangerous, idiotic and…hey, McCain! Look over here when I talking to you, damnit! This is a debate, not a luncheon with the queen! I dare you to make eye contact with me!
Lehrer: How do each of you view Pakistan and Russia following recent month’s events?
Obama: Blah…blah…blah (insert any politically correct jargon here that would sound reasonable coming from either side of the stage)
McCain: Blah…blah…blah (insert any politically correct jargon here that would sound reasonable coming from either side of the stage)
Lehrer: Come on now, boys. Let’s hear the truth: Would you, or would you not sit down with a leader from a rogue nation and discuss hot topics like nuclear proliferation, terrorist groups and the price of imported chai tea without demanding a laundry list of requirements to be met from said ‘rogue nation’ first?
Obama: I’d sit down with anybody, anywhere, anytime. Or, at least, I’d have one of my underlings show up.
McCain: Hell no. Either they submit, or they don’t get a lick of my time. The same goes for my underlings. I know this because of my foreign affairs…
Obama: Oh, shove it with the foreign affairs bit, John. No one’s buyin’ it anyway!
Lehrer: How do each of you feel regarding our nation’s safety now, in comparison to before 9-11?
McCain: We’re the strongest, safest, best damned nation in the world! No one can touch us! We’re invincible! (Oh, and I love veterans and I promise to take care of them. I promise to take care of veterans and they know I love them. I know I promise veterans…)
Lehrer: Yeah, Senator, we get it. Let’s move on.
Obama: Safer? Sort of. But there’s this slight problem that’s weakening the safety of our general population: we haven’t secured our transit systems, our chemical plants or our borders. We continue to occupy places around the world where we’re not welcome and, in general, most everyone outside our borders hates us. Other than that, yeah, I think we’re pretty safe. God Bless America.
McCain: I promise we’ll be safe when I become president because I’ll give tax cuts to the wealthy, and I love to love veterans.
Lehrer: Thank you to both of the candidates, the University of Mississippi, and to all of you watching. Do forget to tune in next Tuesday, October 2 when Sarah Palin and Joe Biden will attempt to kick it to each other with equal grace, fury and repetitiveness as their running mates. Until then, good night.